This has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a really long time…
1. You have to master the swagger of your typical homie. Watch MTV for inspiration, then imitate the ridiculous walk of your favourite rap star.If you find yourself having difficulties, visualize yourself with a massive case of hemmorhoids, and/or a pickle shoved up your ass. A big pickle.
If so, you can continue.
2. Language is very important. When attempting to fit in with the rap community, you must forget everything you have learned about the English language and how to speak it properly. It helps if you have some sort of speech impediment, preferably one which makes you sound like you have a mouth full of oatmeal at any given point. Remember, contractions are your new god. Practice at home, at the bus station, at school; anywhere you can.
If not, you’d better practice a little more.
3. You’ll have to acquire a g’ name. 2-Pac is a popular one, as is Biggie. (For more information, see “people” section below.) Or, there’s always shortening your name to the first letter of your first name, then adding an adjective. For example, there’s Lil’ J, or Big R. You can also go with just the adjective: Slim, Shorty, etc. You’ll fit right in.
Well, since this is the only evident requirement, on we go.
4.You’ll need to be hip to the rap gurus of the moment. A commonly idolized rapper, 2-Pac, was shot some time ago. In the “softcore” rap crowd, Ma$e and Puff Daddy are really cool. Busta Rhymes, Lil’ Kim, Biggie Smalls (also dead), Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre are also cult favourites. Feel free to mix ‘n’ match at will. With the celebrities, come the “sides”. There’s Westside and Eastside. They have nothing to do with where you are on a map. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely, whilst shouting “Wess’ide, man..Wess’ide!” This will go over big. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W upside down, in the shape of an M. One will shout “Yo’mofos! Eass’ide rules!” or something of that ilk. Make sure, before you attempt the hand signs, that you’re with a group of the same patriotism, or else you’ll get a can of whoop’ass opened on you. Y’all, rather.
Let’s hope so. These are crucial before moving on to the last section.
5. G’ clothing is rather simple. For pants, all you need to do is cruise the local mall until you find a really fat person. Check out the waist size on his jeans, then head to the nearest store playing rap music to buy a matching pair. They must also be long. You’ll know you’ve made a good buy when you have three yards of fabric bunched about your ankles. You must wear them low-slung as well. The prerequisite, an assumed few pairs of cool boxer shorts, should be mostly hanging out. But to complete your lower half, you must own a stylin’ belt. The purpose of this belt is not altogether clear, save for it holds your pants firmly against your upper thighs and restricts movement, making the rap strut easier. Trust me. As for what kind of pants to wear, army pants (in any, and all, colours), jeans, tearaways and cargo pants will all do nicely.
On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colours that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress. Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater. Jackets are easy. All you need is something that’s shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo’s environmental surroundings.
For shoes, again, Nikes and Fubus are the best. Reeboks and Adidases are fine for the beginning g’. They have to have cost at least $150, and be shiny and bright. You might as well forget how to tie knots, because the gangsta who ties his shoes up, gets beat up. You can accessorize with one of those key chain straps (the ones that circle your neck) that seem to be all the rage. It must say Fubu on it, of course. A hat is good, as long as it’s got one of the previously-mentioned trade names on it. Turn the hat sideways for extra respect. That’s spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You can always go with a handkerchief as well, with the hat or alone. Snoop Doggy Dogg wears one, if you need celebrity reinforcement.
It appears, with the above questions answered affirmatively, that you’ve completed the tutorial and are now a fledgeling gangsta, prepared for the wide world of rap. Happy g’ing!
wait… you need 1 more thang… a pet, a mean looking one. A pit bull is normally a great choice.
You are having a bad day when…
your job seems totally overwhelming… really.
as does your weekend home improvement project
Your cars horsepower gets an extra horse
You need a larger squeegee
You end in some deep water
This is a joke, but somehow it seems to be repeated on the news nightly, go figure…
“I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.
I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86!
But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”
How to make sure the same telemarketer never calls you back, well, here are a few ideas to get them as frustrated with you as you are with them, Screwing with the telemarketers.
Some of these are pretty funny, others, well not as great, but either way, still great pranks to play on the hard working people that work their asses off to annoy us at 9AM in the morning of our days off.
Funny jokes or maybe crazy wreck - Now mind you, I did not get this story from a reputable source, but it seemed reasonable and very funny to me.
A Bulgarian car crash victim was saved by her humongous knockers during a car crash. Thats what the story claims at least.
Elena Marinova, 24, from Sofia, was involved in a full frontal crash with another car in the northern city of Ruse. A police expert explained that the 40DD silicone implants absorbed the impact of the crash.
Go figure, I always thought they were a bad idea, gotta say I may have been wrong.
Having spent plenty of years in college myself, I gotta say… I LOVED the scantron tests! Yep, the odds were always in my favor. You see, any one with 1/2 a brain still intact can rule out at least 2 of 5 as wrong answers, that leaves a 1/3 shot at the correct answer having never even seen the material before. Using some cool pattern making skills, you can pencil in the Himalayan Mountainside and since it’s most likely graded on a curve, with the rest of the class using thier own pattern making skills(that aren’t as good as your own), you can easily #2 pencil your way into at least a C or maybe even a cool B. This below, must be a first. I still can’t stop laughing over it. Michael Benson, you are a Classic..
Seems after that test, the professor emailed the student… with this.
This exam came from funnyexamanswers.com, however, I did not make it a link because the sites chained popups kept crashing not just my browser, but my machine. so the site has some funny shit, but make sure all your own shit is saved and your security settings are high if you wanna check it out
The 1950’s were a sick, nutty time for sure, now, I wasn’t around back then, but I have seen all the TV shows and alien invasion movies. At this point most people believe this was a hoax for various reasons. The best reasoning is in the medical evidence, there really wasn’t any and the aliens look pretty fake to begin with. I mean, even a very un-medical person like me can look at this and see the alien has muscle tone to die for… hard to pull off for most corpses. But, I gotta admit, the facial expression is a classic.
literally, this is a video starring Beanie, the piano playing chicken doing an audition for David Letterman. talk about some silly shit.