Posted by (jokey) in (Dumb Shit) on July-18-2008 (1) Comment  Read More

This has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a really long time…

How To Be A Gangsta (In 5 Simple Steps)
by TW from everything2.com

gangsta.jpg1. You have to master the swagger of your typical homie. Watch MTV for inspiration, then imitate the ridiculous walk of your favourite rap star.If you find yourself having difficulties, visualize yourself with a massive case of hemmorhoids, and/or a pickle shoved up your ass. A big pickle.

Checklist:

  • Are your feet wider apart than your shoulders?
  • Do you have a decided backwards slant to your torso?
  • Do your knuckles hit the back of your calves?

If so, you can continue.

2. Language is very important. When attempting to fit in with the rap community, you must forget everything you have learned about the English language and how to speak it properly. It helps if you have some sort of speech impediment, preferably one which makes you sound like you have a mouth full of oatmeal at any given point. Remember, contractions are your new god. Practice at home, at the bus station, at school; anywhere you can.

Translation guide:

  • yo’ma’ma = A derogatory term, used to insult your mother. (Note: this is supposed to incense you.)
  • word, y’all = Something roughly equivalent to hello.
  • Variations on this are many: what’up ho’mes; word to yo’ma’ma; yo y’all (pl. y’allz); what’up; what’da word from’da ‘hood; and others.

  • you best be steppin’ = You should leave, before the speaker decides to hurt you.
  • I’m a gon’open a can of whoop’ass on y’all = I will beat you up.
  • watch’or mouf, man = It would probably be a wise idea, when this is heard, to shut up.
  • mofo = Motherfucker, in the new hip short talk.
  • I gots ta bounce = Roughly equivalent to goodbye.
  • cruisin’ = walking about aimlessly, shoving each other into old people and laughing uproariously, whilst calling each other mofos.

Checklist:

  • Do you use four-letter words within 30 seconds of each other?
  • Can you drop a syllable off of every word without thinking about it?
  • Can you omit words such as “of” and “to” with ease?
  • Would you be unintelligible to your aunts or uncles?

If not, you’d better practice a little more.

3. You’ll have to acquire a g’ name. 2-Pac is a popular one, as is Biggie. (For more information, see “people” section below.) Or, there’s always shortening your name to the first letter of your first name, then adding an adjective. For example, there’s Lil’ J, or Big R. You can also go with just the adjective: Slim, Shorty, etc. You’ll fit right in.

Checklist:

  • Does your name sound stupid?

Well, since this is the only evident requirement, on we go.

4.You’ll need to be hip to the rap gurus of the moment. A commonly idolized rapper, 2-Pac, was shot some time ago. In the “softcore” rap crowd, Ma$e and Puff Daddy are really cool. Busta Rhymes, Lil’ Kim, Biggie Smalls (also dead), Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre are also cult favourites. Feel free to mix ‘n’ match at will. With the celebrities, come the “sides”. There’s Westside and Eastside. They have nothing to do with where you are on a map. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely, whilst shouting “Wess’ide, man..Wess’ide!” This will go over big. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W upside down, in the shape of an M. One will shout “Yo’mofos! Eass’ide rules!” or something of that ilk. Make sure, before you attempt the hand signs, that you’re with a group of the same patriotism, or else you’ll get a can of whoop’ass opened on you. Y’all, rather.

Checklist:

  • Can you name the past five rap stars to have gotten shot?
  • Can you wave your hands about with sufficient fury to give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome?
  • Are you scared of your own idiocy?

Let’s hope so. These are crucial before moving on to the last section.

5. G’ clothing is rather simple. For pants, all you need to do is cruise the local mall until you find a really fat person. Check out the waist size on his jeans, then head to the nearest store playing rap music to buy a matching pair. They must also be long. You’ll know you’ve made a good buy when you have three yards of fabric bunched about your ankles. You must wear them low-slung as well. The prerequisite, an assumed few pairs of cool boxer shorts, should be mostly hanging out. But to complete your lower half, you must own a stylin’ belt. The purpose of this belt is not altogether clear, save for it holds your pants firmly against your upper thighs and restricts movement, making the rap strut easier. Trust me. As for what kind of pants to wear, army pants (in any, and all, colours), jeans, tearaways and cargo pants will all do nicely.

On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colours that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress. Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater. Jackets are easy. All you need is something that’s shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo’s environmental surroundings.

For shoes, again, Nikes and Fubus are the best. Reeboks and Adidases are fine for the beginning g’. They have to have cost at least $150, and be shiny and bright. You might as well forget how to tie knots, because the gangsta who ties his shoes up, gets beat up. You can accessorize with one of those key chain straps (the ones that circle your neck) that seem to be all the rage. It must say Fubu on it, of course. A hat is good, as long as it’s got one of the previously-mentioned trade names on it. Turn the hat sideways for extra respect. That’s spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You can always go with a handkerchief as well, with the hat or alone. Snoop Doggy Dogg wears one, if you need celebrity reinforcement.

Checklist:

  • Could you put on 200+ pounds and not have it be noticed while dressed?
  • Could you fit your entire family into one single pantleg?
  • When you walk, are you perpetually close to tripping/falling over?
  • Is your shirt long enough to cover someone seven feet tall?

It appears, with the above questions answered affirmatively, that you’ve completed the tutorial and are now a fledgeling gangsta, prepared for the wide world of rap. Happy g’ing!

wait… you need 1 more thang… a pet, a mean looking one. A pit bull is normally a great choice.

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Posted by (jokey) in (pictures, Dumb Shit) on June-18-2008 (2) Comments  Read More

You are having a bad day when…

your job seems totally overwhelming… really.

pics_buckets.jpg

as does your weekend home improvement project

stupid-driver.jpg

 Your cars horsepower gets an extra horse

horse-crash.jpg

 You need a larger squeegee

 

ice10.jpg

 The plane just falls apart at the seamsplane-falls-apart.jpg

You end in some deep water

plane-crash-4.jpg

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Posted by (jokey) in (Dumb Shit, Sick Shit Stunts) on June-18-2008 (0) Comments  Read More

This may be against  OSHA rules (the occupational safety folks), but sure is a sick stunt

bad idea

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Posted by (jokey) in (But Really) on June-5-2008 (0) Comments  Read More

This is a joke, but somehow it seems to be repeated on the news nightly, go figure…

“I’ve sure gotten old,” said Maury the Snitch. “I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees.

I fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

I have bouts with dementia, such poor circulation that I can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Sheesh, I can’t even remember if I’m 26, or 62, or 86!
Plus, I’ve lost all my friends….

But thank God, I still have my driver’s license!”

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Posted by (jokey) in (screwing with telemarketers) on June-5-2008 (7) Comments  Read More

How to make sure the same telemarketer never calls you back, well, here are a few ideas to get them as frustrated with you as you are with them, Screwing with the telemarketers.

Some of these are pretty funny, others, well not as great, but either way, still great pranks to play on the hard working people that work their asses off to annoy us at 9AM in the morning of our days off.

  1. Talk really fast.
  2. Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can’t hear them over the static.
  3. Make up your own language. Speak it.
  4. Hang up.
  5. Make up a one word language. Speak it.
  6. Say, “This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?”
  7. If they say “Yes” to number 6 say, “Please state the nature of the emergency.” Then insist that their emergency isn’t an emergency. Hang up.
  8. If they say “No” to number 6 say, “I’m sorry but this line is for emergencies only.” Hang up.
  9. Pretend you just took hostages, and make demands.
  10. Pretend that you are a hostage negotiator, and try to get the telemarketer to release the hostages.
  11. Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted by (jokey) in (Dumb Shit) on May-26-2008 (2) Comments  Read More

Funny jokes or maybe crazy wreck - Now mind you, I did not get this story from a reputable source, but it seemed reasonable and very funny to me.

A Bulgarian car crash victim was saved by her humongous knockers during a car crash. Thats what the story claims at least.

boob job saves driver as airbags

Elena Marinova, 24, from Sofia, was involved in a full frontal crash with another car in the northern city of Ruse. A police expert explained that the 40DD silicone implants absorbed the impact of the crash.

“They worked just like airbags - protecting the victim’s ribs and vital organs from damage”

Go figure, I always thought they were a bad idea, gotta say I may have been wrong.

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Posted by (jokey) in (Stupid Jokes, pictures, Dumb Shit) on May-22-2008 (0) Comments  Read More

the miracle pill

The Happy Pill for sure - I don’t think 1000 mg will do. Can I get that in Extra Strength?

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Posted by (jokey) in (Dumb Shit) on May-22-2008 (0) Comments  Read More

Having spent plenty of years in college myself, I gotta say… I LOVED the scantron tests! Yep, the odds were always in my favor. You see, any one with 1/2 a brain still intact can rule out at least 2 of 5 as wrong answers, that leaves a 1/3 shot at the correct answer having never even seen the material before. Using some cool pattern making skills, you can pencil in the Himalayan Mountainside and since it’s most likely graded on a curve, with the rest of the class using thier own pattern making skills(that aren’t as good as your own), you can easily #2 pencil your way into at least a C or maybe even a cool B. This below, must be a first. I still can’t stop laughing over it. Michael Benson, you are a Classic..

scantron-test.jpg

Seems after that test, the professor emailed the student… with this.

Dear Michael,

Every year I attempt to boost my students’ final grades by giving them
this relatively simple exam consisting of 100 True/False questions from only 3 chapters of material. For the past 20 years that I have taught Intro Communications 101 at this institution I have never once seen someone score below a 65 on this exam. Consequently, your score of a zero is the first in history and ultimately brought the entire class average down a whole 8 points.

There were two possible answer choices: A (True) and B (False). You chose C for all 100 questions in an obvious attempt to get lucky with a least a quarter of the answers. It’s as if you didn’t look at a single question. Unfortunately, this brings your final grade in this class to failing. See you next year!

May God have mercy on your soul.

Sincerely,
Professor William Turner

This exam came from funnyexamanswers.com, however, I did not make it a link because the sites chained popups kept crashing not just my browser, but my machine. so the site has some funny shit, but make sure all your own shit is saved and your security settings are high if you wanna check it out

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Posted by (jokey) in (Pranks, Dumb Shit, Sick Shit Stunts) on May-21-2008 (2) Comments  Read More

The 1950’s were a sick, nutty time for sure, now, I wasn’t around back then, but I have seen all the TV shows and alien invasion movies.  At this point most people believe this was a hoax for various reasons.  The best reasoning is in the medical evidence, there really wasn’t any and the aliens look pretty fake to begin with. I mean, even a very un-medical person like me can look at this and see the alien has muscle tone to die for… hard to pull off for most corpses. But, I gotta admit, the facial expression is a classic.

alien autopsy photo

alien autopsy black and white 1950 photo

black and white alien autopsy image

autopsy of alien hoax

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Posted by (jokey) in (Dumb Shit, Animals) on May-20-2008 (1) Comment  Read More

literally, this is a video starring Beanie, the piano playing chicken doing an audition for David Letterman. talk about some silly shit.

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